Jun 23, 2011

26 weeks!

My little girl is as big a hothouse cucumber....whatever that is! The produce gets weirder and weirder! She about 2lbs and 14 inches long. Of course, that is just an estimate from all the different books/websites that I've been reading...

I can definitely tell she has had a growth spurt. My belly is bigger and harder and up higher. She also seems like she has flipped - I am getting lots of kicks above my belly button now. Before they seems low, with the occasional high kick. I LOVE watching my belly. I can see it moving every time she kicks. It's such an amazing thing to watch. I can feel her when she gets in a weird position, too. My belly gets really hard in that spot and I rub belly and talk to her - she moves slowly back to where it's comfortable again. :)

I am going to the bathroom a lot more frequently now. Twice a night again and almost every 30 minutes during the day. I do drink a LOT of water - about 80-100 ounces a day. I have been doing that since I peed on the stick, though. It doesn't bother me to pee - it's just a reminder how awesome of a miracle I've created.

I have realized how lucky I am, I haven't had any major issues in my pregnancy (KNOCK ON WOOD). Things have been great. Yes, I had morning (all day) sickness the first 3 months - but it wasn't as bad as stories I've heard. And yes, I've had some swelling but I'm still wearing my wedding rings (most days). Growing pains, heartburn, constant urination....but those things are ALL normal pregnancy symptoms. I am a very lucky girl. I have a herniated disc and my back has been ok. Some pain here occasionally and I need to ice and rest but not like I imagined. I might be jinxing myself....but I'm just acknowledging how lucky I feel. My little girl is also very healthy...

What more could I ask for!?

13 more weeks to cook until I meet my little monkey!

26 weeks today

Jun 19, 2011

25 weeks!!

So this little one would now survive in the NICU if she was born now. That is a lot of relief for me. I can't help but worry from time to time...especially when you feel weird things you've never felt before. I told her that she has to stay put for a few more months though - so she isn't coming any time soon!

Of course I had another list of questions to ask the doctor; like stomach hardening, baby laying low, pressure on cervix, nipple issues (lol).....everything is NORMAL. And my nipples are just dry...I thought I had something wrong with me! Ha ha! My little munchkin is moving all the time - and I thought that wasn't normal. But it IS! In fact, they love to hear that. Sweet!!

I am up to a 20 lb gain. But at 25 weeks - my doctor said I'm doing really good. That is definitely reassuring. I'm not too worried about gaining weight.... I know it was inevitable. I'm just glad I'm not gaining like 60 lbs or something. And I'm also hoping I only gain another 10...but I hear a total of 40 is totally normal too. As long as I'm eating healthy and my little girl is healthy....who cares.

We have been busy with home renovations....and we got the crib and bedding set. I'm waiting on Mike to put it together. Pictures coming soon!!

Jun 9, 2011

21-24 Weeks...catchup!

I've been slacking!!! Sorry! It's been a busy few weeks - hopefully I will update this blog in it's entirety by the end of this week. Well...that's my goal!!!

So baby went from a large mango to a papaya to now an ear of corn. I think these produce comparisons are hilarious...but completely dumb! My little girl is about 1.5 lbs now and about 8-10 inches.

I've definitely gotten bigger since the 20 week halfway mark. I really need to get on the picture bandwagon. I need to get out my fancy camera and start snappin pictures. All the picture I have are on my phone - it's just so darn convenient. BUT I need to get in the habit of using my camera - so I can take TONS of baby pictures!

I passed my 1st glucose test. I have to take another one next week. I'm hoping I pass again... I'm high risk for gestational diabetes. I have Metabolic Syndrome - long story short - my body stores more fat than it's suppose to. I cannot eat carbs without them going straight to my belly. It totally sucks. When I was 19 I gained 120 lbs in a year and once they figured out what I had and a year and half later I lost 100 lbs. NOT FUN. I was super scared to stop my meds and start eating carbs when I found out I was pregnant. I have gained 15 lbs - which I guess is totally normal. Normal range is 15-20 by now. I feel like blimp lately, but mostly because of my baby bump. And I love it - so I'm not complaining! I try to eat as healthy as possible - fruit, veggies. protein, whole grains, etc. I'm human though - I DO cheat and have ice cream or fast food occasionally. I admit I do have cravings but NOTHING like I imagined. I'm hoping to not get past a 40 lb gain. I think I will be ok. I'm not too stressed about it though - I have a good plan for after the baby is born :)

My little girl has been kicking me NONSTOP! I LOVE IT! At first, I thought this wasn't normal - and thought when the hell does she sleep.. BUT doctor said it's completely normal - means baby is healthy and strengthening her muscles! Yay! I actually put our remote on my belly the other day and it started jumping! It was the coolest thing ever!! You should have seen Mike's face - he looked so cute and excited!! Priceless.

I still feel really good. No complaints at all. I do have this broken crotch thing (pelvic bone) going on - but I'll save that for another post. All my heartburn, headaches, constipation (tmi), tiredness - are ALL gone. The 2nd trimester is DEFINITELY the honeymoon trimester. I'm enjoying it while I can because I know things will change in a couple weeks :)

It's getting so much closer until we meet my baby girl - only 16 more weeks! Crazy, right?! I can't freakin wait!!!

May 17, 2011

20 weeks! Half way there!

I can't believe I'm 20 weeks already - the other day I was just thinking this pregnancy is going by really fast... And boy is it ever.

The baby is the size of a small cantaloupe. And actively swallowing amniotic fluid and producing meconium.....it's first poopie! Baby B's sleep/wake patterns are definitely set - up and kicking like crazy in the morning....sleeps a few hours and then starts up again in the afternoon.....takes another nap and my 8pm or so kicking like mad again. I love it so much. In fact, if I don't feel it, I get worried. I notice the more I do (cleaning, walking, etc..) the stronger the baby's kicks are when I'm done.

I still feel really good. Heartburn is starting to come back but that was a given. I still have a ton of energy...which is awesome. I have been cleaning the house like a mad woman! Nursery is ready to be painted. Closets have been cleaned and organized.. And this weekend we should be buying paint for my bathroom and the nursery. I want to do as much as I can while I'm comfortable.

My tummy is getting much bigger - and its starting to move up. My bump is getting cuter!

Tomorrow is the BIG ultrasound day! It feels like the night before Christmas!

May 8, 2011

19 weeks

My little one is the size of a large mango...or a heirloom tomato.

The produce is getting weird - I love mangoes and tomatoes but I feel so strange eating them! Ha!

The last week has been exciting.. The baby has been getting stronger, I still feel he/she every day. This little one is most active in the morning, but lately they have been really active at night. Daddy got to feel a kick - finally!

I'm still lucky enough to still wear some pre-pregnancy tops - but not for long. They are getting a big too short. I'm so glad they lasted this long though. I went shopping and got more maternity items. Maternity clothes are so expensive.... but I have to admit that there is a lot of cute stuff out there!

I'm trying to walk as much as I can - but I think I need to step it up a notch. I'm feeling fat and yucky a lot - but I'm really trying to ignore that. It's just hard when your body changes so much. Luckily, the hubs is loving all the changes ;-) I'm eating really good - lots of veggies, hummus, lean meat, whole grain cereal, milk/cheese... I have cheated here and there with sweet treats but I don't overdo it. I think if I workout more and try not to give in to my cravings I will be able to stay in shape. I don't believe in 'eating for two'... and gaining a million pounds are OK. I do understand how women go overboard though - my appetite is nuts. I'm always hungry - but I can't eat a lot in one meal - thank goodness!

I go May 18th for my ultrasound.... We cannot wait! I am mostly excited to see our little one live on TV and make sure everything is OK - but we are also anxious to find out the sex! This mommy journey has been so incredible so far... I love this little baby so much already, it's unbelievable.

May 3, 2011

18 weeks

My little one is as big as sweet potato!

Baby's now the size of a sweet potato!
Baby's become amazingly mobile (compared to you, at least), passing the hours yawning, hiccupping, rolling, twisting, kicking, punching, sucking, and swallowing. And baby is finally big enough that you'll soon be able to feel her movements. (Source)

He/She is very active! I feel her/him every morning when I first sit down at work, sometimes at lunch and always in the evening when I finally sit down to relax. The movement is still not strong enough for the hubs to feel...but they are definitely there. I love feeling my little monkey every day. I smile every time I feel it. I still can't put into words how amazing it is...

I'm feeling really good. My headaches are less frequent and I'm not cramping as much. Every now and then I will get a feeling in my lower abs - but it's more pressure than anything. I think it might be the little one resting down there. He/She loves to hang out really low. I'm hoping things move up soon - this monkey has learned to use my cervix and bladder as a trampoline! Also, I'm still carrying really low. I have a definite bump - but I don't find it 'cute' yet, ya know?!

I started prenatal yoga! I love love LOVE it! It really helps with back pain and it just all in all makes me feel better. I'm trying to switch between yoga and walking every day. I'm avoiding the scale..... I'm so not looking forward to gaining weight. I KNOW that it's a necessity to grow a healthy baby - so trust me I'm eating. Too much at times. I'm ALWAYS hungry!

This week has been great and in a couple days I will be 19 weeks.... Almost half way there!!!

Apr 26, 2011

17 weeks


The baby is the size of a turnip! I didn't even know what a turnip was until this week :D

I've been feeling really great. I can't complain! The only thing I've noticed is headaches - and today is the first one I've had all week. And I did have a little 'scare'... I was having this burning sensation in my left lower abdomen. It didn't feel like normal 'growing pains', so I went to the doctor to make sure everything was Ok. And it was - sheew! Doc said it's just round ligament pain. Thank goodness! It must mean that baby is having a growth spurt - my tummy has been very achy lately!

The biggest highlight of this week is feeling the baby move :) While I was in Iowa, at my sister in-laws baby shower, they served us a big cinnamon roll and OJ. This had been the first time I had that much sugar in one sitting... As I started watching her open present, I started to feel these weird feelings in my lower tummy. It was like flips and somersaults! It last almost 3 hours.... and I've felt it every day since then. What an AMAZING feeling! I love it. The best way to describe it is, little muscle spasms or gas - but you can DEFINITELY tell the difference! Mike is sad he can't feel it yet - but I hope in a couple more weeks he can!

And ta-da here is the 17 week picture! I apologize that I'm headless. I honestly do not do this on purpose. I always forget to take pictures...and when I finally do I'm in a rush in the morning. I promise better pictures soon!

Look at that belly! Omgosh, right?! I'm so short (barely 5'2") that this baby has no where to go! I've only gained 7lbs so far...

Apr 15, 2011

16 week picture

I forgot to post a picture in my last post...and I'm not exactly loving the way my body looks now but I'm trying to embrace it. My body is doing an amazing thing...

I'm carrying really low still....

Front pose :)

I'm hoping to get better picture with my fancy camera for next week!

15 and 16 weeks!

I am playing catch up, I missed 15 weeks... I have been busy lately. We have been doing a little remodeling and getting ready for our trip to Iowa (I'm in the car right now..)

15 weeks!

The baby is now a size of an orange!


"Continuing the march toward normal proportions, baby's legs now out-measure his arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Your fetus is squirming and wiggling like crazy down in the womb, though you probably can't feel the movements just yet." (Source)

This week I was babysitting for a family for a few days, and when they went to bed I was just laying on their couch...alone. When all of a sudden I felt this popping in my tummy. If felt like popcorn popping. I have heard that is what feeling the baby for the first time could feel like - I tried not to get too excited, because it could have been gas.. Deep down I think it was the baby though! :)

16 weeks!

The baby is now the size of an avocado!

"Watch what you say...tiny bones forming in baby's ears mean she can now pick up your voice. A few more minuscule changes: Eyebrows, lashes, and hair are starting to fill in, and taste buds are forming." (Source)

This has been a fun week! I have felt the baby move quite a bit! I haven't felt that popcorn feeling but I have been feeling lots of flutters. It's such a hard feeling to describe...but it does feel like butterflies are in your tummy. A-MAZ-ING!!!

My 16 week check went awesome! I had a long list of questions....

-Round ligament pain is only on the right side? Normal.
-Pelvic floor pain? Normal...baby moving.
-Severe headaches? Common - if they continue she will prescribe me something.
-Severe back pain already? Common - if it gets worse I will get sent to physical therapy.

The best part....I got to hear the little monkey's heartbeat again! I have to admit, I'm a first time mom and I was worried.... It was such a relief to hear that amazing little fast heartbeat. The little one has stayed in the 150's. The old wives' tale says the higher the heartbeat, it will be a girl. I personally don't care....boy or girl....just please please be healthy!

I made my anatomy scan for May 18th....I cannot wait to see our little monkey - and to make sure everything is Ok.

Keep cooking little one....just 5 more months and we get to meet you and Love you to pieces!!

Mar 31, 2011

14 weeks

Our little monkey is the size of a lemon now!

Baby's now the size of a lemon!
Your adorable little fetus is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine, and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys, and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over her body for warmth.


I love Thursdays, because I move up a week. All my pregnancy apps on my phone update... and it's so fun to monitor the progress.

One thing I haven't understood is that I'm 14 weeks 1 day pregnant, however, I am in my 15th week. It's something I will never understand....

I'm feeling really good lately. The nausea has gone away and I have a lot more energy. So far, the Second Trimester is definitely the 'honeymoon' trimester! I can finally start enjoying this pregnancy. I'm feeling more and more excited by the minute!

I'm also starting to show a little bit more but a stranger wouldn't be able to tell if I'm pregnant. I can't wait for the baby bump.....right now I still look like I ate too many donuts. I'm not complaining! I love every second of all of this. It's a new adventure and I'm so in love.

Mar 28, 2011

First Trimester

I'm going to cheat a little and recap my First Trimester. Truth is I need to catch up! I'm already in my Second Trimester :)

The First Trimester was a blur. It went by so fast. I have noticed I am 'textbook' pregnant. If they wrote about a symptom - I have it. Nauseous all the time, Check. Extreme fatigue. Check. Constipation, Check. Sore/Huge Boobs, Double check. Constant need to pee, Check. Wild dreams, Check. Cramping, Check. Worrisome, Check. Food (chicken) aversions, Check. Heartburn, Check. Mood swings, Check. Every single one of these symptoms are so freakin worth it.

I spent the first few weeks of pregnancy on the couch whining. I was sick and tired (literally) all the time. Poor Mike... I'm lucky though, I only threw up 7 times. I was just nauseous - which isn't pleasant. I was mostly worried about miscarrying. They say not to tell anyone until your in your 2nd Trimester, so we only told our immediate family and friends. Even that made me nervous. I had a lot of people on my side, and praying for me... I made it through the First Trimester and am feeling SO much better!

The highlight of the First Trimester is seeing the little one for the first time....

And hearing the little one for the first time. When we went in for our 12 week check up, we were able to hear the heartbeat. What an amazing sound that was.... I wish I would have recorded it. Next time I will! We also heard this loud sound in my tummy - when we asked what it was my Ob said it was the little one kicking. How cool is that?!

I can't wait to have more of a bump. This is what I looked like at 9 1/2 weeks....

Mar 19, 2011


I took a LONG vacation from blogging. I had a rough year or so... But I'm back! And I have exciting news!


Oh. My. God. Those were my first words when I saw those 2 pink lines. This was a total surprise to us. No, I should rephrase..... We knew it could it could happen, we just didn't expect it to.

Maybe a week or less after conception (but at the time we had NO idea), my boobs started to get sore and the next week they got a little bigger. I was peeing a lot and had problems pooping (TMI). I guess I just assumed it was a BAD case of PMS... It wasn't until I was 2 days late, that I started to think UH-OH! I kept thinking - 'Don't get your hopes up, it's probably nothing.' Or 'Please please please let me be pregnant!!' and I went back and forth for 4 days of lateness.... Yes, I'm a freak.

The first week was so surreal. I just kept saying 'I can't believe I'm pregnant!' over and over and OVER again. We had to wait 3 weeks until our first appointment - that was absolute torture. I did spend 30 minutes on the phone with one of the nurses, I took a long list of things to do and not do. No aspirin, no alcohol, no lunch meat, no hot dogs, no fish, no hot showers/baths...... Take prenatal vitamins, drink 8+ glasses of water a day, eat veggies/fruit daily...

I remember during that week - the morning sickness set in. I wasn't drinking my 8+ glasses and the thought of veggies sent me running to the toilet. I kept worrying that I wasn't getting enough nutrients, but the doctor said as long as I took my vitamins - everything would be fine. I have to admit my first trimester wasn't that bad. I had morning sickness but only threw up 6 times, the nausea kicked my ass though. It was ALL DAY sickness....I have no idea why they call it morning sickness. What they also don't tell you about pregnancy, is that your intestines just STOP working. Well, mine did. There was an 8 day stretch where I didn't poop. That has to be one of the worst feelings. Your stomach hurts - and you worry is it the baby or the poop? OR is the poop hurting the baby? Ugh. It was a cluster of worry...and pain. My cure was prune juice, Milk of Magnesia, kiwi, raspberries, grape nuts and stool softeners..... on top of being nauseous ALL the time. At times, I thought this baby was going to kill me. Ha!

I am not complaining. I am simply telling you my experience so far. I would take morning sickness and constipation all 9 months... It is ALL worth it.

Aug 27, 2009

Closing day!

Tomorrow is our closing day! I can't believe it. Everything has happened so fast! A month ago we decided to start looking for houses and tomorrow we are buying a house! I think I'm still in shock. But I am so very excited!

We go to our walk through at 9am and then closing is at 10am. By lunch time we will be new homeowners. I will take some pictures for sure...it will be boring until we celebrate in the new house in the evening. We received a bottle of Dom P for a wedding gift - and we were going to save it for our 1 year anniversary...but I think it's only appropriate that we open it up tomorrow! I just can't wait to walk into our new home....maybe I'll get the hubs to carry me through the front door! :-)

We plan on painting a couple rooms this weekend....the living room and the computer room. I still haven't figured out with the Seller was thinking when he painted his living room purple. But he is a really sweet man-so I won't judge! We hope to have everything moved in my Labor Day!!!!!!

Aug 23, 2009

I made it a month

It's been a month since I quit smoking. I treated myself to a manicure/pedicure today! Today was a great day..... I am extremely proud of myself-yet so surprised. I honestly didn't think I could do it. I've been around smoke all my life (even in the womb)...and I have always thought I would never be able to quit. I was so wrong. Every now and then I get an impulse to smoke- but I snap a piece of gum in my mouth I forget about it. I hear I might have those impulses forever.... People I work with have quit for 20+ years and they still have odd impulses from time to time.

I stopped talking the Chantix about a week ago. My doctor decided she didn't want me on it-just in case I were to become pregnant. She does not know the effects it would have on a baby-and doesn't want to take the chance. We aren't trying to conceive but we are just trying to be cautious. It's ok though-I don't even need the Chantix anymore. And I'm glad to get rid of some of the nasty side effects.....

The only down side of quitting is I've gained some of the weight back I lost before my wedding. It saddens me...but at the same time I am confident that I can loose it again-and even maybe more! I've gained 10lbs in 3 months. Not all of it has been from the quitting but definitely half.... But I have started back on my strict no junk food/no snacking....and I hope to loose 20lbs by Christmas. I think that is a realistic goal-so I hope to loose maybe a little more. I will start updating you on recipes and work outs I find helpful!

We are still packing...we are closing on our new house next Friday. We are so excited to own a home..and make it ours. More updates to come soon. We have been BUSY BUSY packing! Now I just have to make sure I don't mess up my fresh manicure on all these ugly boxes all over the house!!!

Aug 20, 2009

Pee in your pants funny!

I had to copy this from Misadventures of a Newlywed because I was peeing in my pants on the floor laughing!

This is definitely long-but you must read it!

Random thoughts from people 25-35 years old..

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That's enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first
saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and
said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu'
to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an
overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't
watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and
the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
before dinner.